Can you believe all these anti-gun hysterics? Just when we need guns the most, a bunch of chicken-shit crybabies think taking them away from us is the answer. Boo-hoo, what about all the slaughter, wah-wah-wah.
The Second Amendment makes it clear: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”
With all these crazies running around killing people by the dozens like five-year-olds tromping on ants, we need a serious militia, and since we’re fighting hard to keep guaranteeing that people have the right to carry whatever weapons they want, us good guys need a leg up on the bad guys.
So, I got to thinking — I want a Howitzer.
How’d I come up with that brilliant idea? Well, I was shootin’ the shit with my poker buddies over some cold ones the other night, and we decided to have a militia. I mean, the Second Amendment says we can have one, right? So we decided we already have ours. And that way, we qualify. If we’re gonna be “well regulated,” whatever that means outside the bathroom, we gotta be armed, right? And since there are no limits, I think major gunnery is the perfect solution.
My buddies and me, we talked about how we all carry guns (even though Jimmy don’t even have a permit yet, and we razz him about it all the time), but how you never know when you’re in the mall or at a ball game or a concert or a Trump rally and some nut starts raining bullets on everybody faster than you can say, “Make America great again,” am I right? Who’s gonna save all those poor dumb unarmed slobs? It ain’t gonna be someone with an ordinary gun, and the law can never get there faster than an AK-47 can cause a big disaster, right?
But just picture what happens after that first series of pops and screams, when I roll up in my Howitzer. I’ll turn on the windshield wipers (’cause blood’ll already be flyin’), and then I’ll blow that sucker sky-high. He’ll never know what hit him. He won’t even have a chance to commit suicide first. And think of all the lives I’ll save. I’ll be a hero sure as hell.
BOOM!
Whoa! Did you hear that sonic boom? That was a big one! Musta been a fighter jet. Damn, it better be one of ours, am I right?
You know, that’s got me thinking. What kind of militia is stuck on the ground all the time? How are we supposed to defend ourselves from an invading air force?
Screw the Howitzer — I want an F-16.